The Mistakes That Break a Child from Within

Shaykh Bali pointed out the familiar mistakes in tarbiyah one by one — comparison, excessive indulgence, and giving orders without doing it yourself.

A Familiar Scene

Whenever the results are bad, the father says — so-and-so's son got so much, what did you do? The child stays silent, and something inside breaks.

In another home, the picture is the opposite. Once, when the Shaykh went to a house for a meal, he saw the father himself get up to bring water — while the teenage son just sat there.

It is the same in homes with daughters. The mother cooks, tidies the house, handles everything — as if the daughter only studies. She advances in her studies, but never learns to manage a home.

And the father lights a cigarette himself while forbidding his son, does not go to the congregation yet scolds his son. Children do not listen to words, they learn by watching.

The Shaykh's Answer

Never compare your child with others — it breaks him inside, and gives birth to envy and blind imitation.

Even when he fails, do not say "you are a failure"; give hope — if he fails one subject, say, you passed five subjects. Every child has a different pace; some memorize quickly, some understand quickly. Pressure beyond ability brings despair.

Excessive indulgence also ruins character. Teach your son to serve his parents and to do his own work himself; teach your daughter to manage the home alongside her studies — otherwise, after succeeding in her studies, she becomes helpless in married life.

The Evidence — Whose Responsibility Is It

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ قُوٓا۟ أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًۭا وَقُودُهَا ٱلنَّاسُ وَٱلْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَٰٓئِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌۭ شِدَادٌۭ لَّا يَعْصُونَ ٱللَّهَ مَآ أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ

O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allāh in what He commands them but do what they are commanded. (Surah At-Tahrim 66:6 — Saheeh International)Copy

The Prophet ﷺ said — Each of you is a guardian, and each of you will be questioned about those under his care. (Sahih Bukhari 893, Sahih Muslim 1829) So keeping track of your child's friends and phone is not spying, it is tarbiyah.

What to Do

1. Do not compare, give hope — every child has a different ability.
2. Do not tell your child to do what you do not do yourself — first go to the first row yourself.
3. Never curse your child; say instead — may Allah guide you.
4. Once a week, sit together with everyone and read Riyad as-Salihin or the Seerah.

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Source: Based on a talk by Shaykh Waheed Abdussalam Bali

Translation and compilation: Raqi Faisal Ahmed Sabit — Al Quran Ruqyah Healing Center