Follow the three steps before calling it nushuz

Shaykh Bali has stated clearly — Allah has set three steps, and no step may be skipped.

What is nushuz

The Shaykh says — the scholars have defined it in several ways, and the correct view is that all of them are included in it.

• A wife who keeps away from her husband's bed
• A wife who does not obey her husband in what is lawful
• A wife who shows herself as greater than her husband

But there is only one condition — if the command is disobedience to Allah, there is no question of obeying it. Being told to leave the prayer or to uncover the hijab — there is no obedience in these.

The Shaykh's answer

Getting angry and raising your hand straight away means — you have misused qawwamah. Where is the advice? Where is the separating of beds?

The first step is to explain in gentle words — not to defeat her with arguments, but to correct. The second step is to separate the beds inside the home, not to leave the home and go outside. And once the wife accepts, that is the end of it — you must not bring up old matters and hurt her again.

The evidence — where gentleness is found

لَا يَكُونُ الرِّفْقُ فِي شَيْءٍ إِلَّا زَانَهُ، وَلَا يُنْزَعُ مِنْ شَيْءٍ إِلَّا شَانَهُ

Gentleness does not exist in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not taken away from anything except that it makes it ugly. (Sahih Muslim 2594)Copy

In verse 34 of Surah An-Nisa, right after the steps, Allah says — if they obey, do not seek a way against them; indeed Allah is Most High, Most Great.

What to do

1. First sit and talk — with words of love, not a list of faults.
2. If that does not work, separate the beds inside the home — do not go outside.
3. Do not skip any step in the heat of anger; first calm yourself down.
4. When the wife comes back, do not bring up old matters again — that is the end of it.

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Source: Based on the talk of Shaykh Wahid Abdussalam Bali

Translation and compilation: Raqi Faisal Ahmed Sabit — Al-Qur'an Ruqyah Healing Center